It can be incredibly difficult to learn that a loved one is experiencing worrying symptoms of an illness or condition—and it’s even harder when they refuse to get a diagnosis or treatment. There are several reasons why they might be refusing help, but it’s understandable that family members and loved ones will want to change their minds.
Wanting to help someone who doesn’t want it puts you in an awkward position. How do you encourage them to help themselves without coming across as overbearing or forceful? Today, we’ll explore how you can support a loved one who has chosen not to pursue treatment.
How to Talk to Your Loved One Correctly
One of the most difficult things to navigate when you learn of a loved one’s diagnosis is how to talk to them. Your words, body language and tone of voice can all influence your relationship and their opinion of your reaction. Here are some dos and don’ts of talking to your friend or family member:
Do lead with compassion and empathy
Instead of leading with your opinion on treatments and what they should do, start by putting yourself in their shoes. They may be feeling scared, worried and anxious about their diagnosis, and refusing treatment could be a way to help them feel in control of the situation. Putting yourself in their position helps you practice empathy and compassion.
Don’t force them into seeking treatment
It’s common to want to urge or plead with your loved one to seek treatment. Sometimes this happens without you meaning to do it, out of your own fear and anxiety. Unfortunately, this often results in your loved one shutting down and choosing not to confide in you again. This can seriously hurt your relationship.
Do communicate your feelings
Communicating your feelings effectively can help your loved one see your point of view without feeling judged. The best way to do this is by using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Speaking for yourself avoids criticising your loved one’s feelings while getting your point across.
For example, instead of saying, “You need to go to the doctors!” you could say, “When I hear you talking about how much pain you’re in, I feel worried. I think it would be helpful to talk to a doctor about your symptoms.”
Don’t use guilt as a tactic
When you feel nervous or threatened by something you don’t want to happen, a guilt-based approach might be your first reaction. Guilting can be an effective tactic, but the cost to your relationship isn’t worth the risk. Your loved one may get defensive and stubborn, pushing them even further towards the idea of refusing treatment.
Do take a step back and research
Instead of jumping to voice your opinion right away, take a step back and research why your loved one has made this decision. What treatments are available to them? Are there side effects or risks? Researching before talking to your friend or family member helps you understand their point of view and bring informed facts rather than feelings-based opinions to the table.
Don’t focus on how their decision impacts you
It’s impossible not to think about how your loved one’s refusal of treatment will impact you and your future. However, this is a conversation to have with another trusted loved one rather than the person going through the diagnosis. Focus on their decision, why they’ve come to it and how you can help make them comfortable.
Do actively listen to your loved one
Active listening involves sitting down with your loved one without any distractions and having an open conversation. Put your phone away, turn the TV off and set aside enough time to fully immerse yourself in the topic at hand. Encourage your loved one to confide in you by listening rather than talking over them, and use open questions to keep the conversation moving.
Examples of open-ended questions include:
- “What are you concerned about regarding your treatment options?”
- “How do you feel about what’s happening?”
- “Is there anything I can do to help you feel more confident in moving forward with treatment?”
These encourage answers longer than a few words, helping you understand the true motivation behind your loved one’s decision while ensuring they feel listened to, understood and valued.
What Can You Do to Encourage Treatment or Diagnosis?
With so many ‘rules’ to remember when talking to your loved one, you might feel helpless in influencing their decision regarding treatment or diagnosis. To help you come to terms with their decision and strengthen your relationship, here a few things you can do:
- Accompany them to appointments: Having someone with them may help loved ones feel less alone and more confident around professionals.
- Research together: Look at treatment options, success rates and side effects to get a better picture of what the future could look like with and without treatment.
- Consider a second opinion: Encourage your loved one to get more than one opinion from healthcare professionals to influence their decision.
- Look for support groups: Support groups introduce your loved one to people who have been through similar situations and treatments to them, giving them hope for recovery and the future.
- Encourage, don’t enforce: Gently encourage your loved one to see your point of view instead of forcing it on them, as this can push them away.
- Protect your relationship: No matter what decision your loved one makes, they’ll need your support through this difficult time. Don’t let your views get in the way of your relationship.
- Take your time: Unless treatment or diagnosis is urgent, try and encourage your loved one to change their mind over time rather than demanding a quick change of heart.
Can You Overrule Their Decision?
In most cases, you won’t be able to overrule your loved one’s refusal of diagnosis or treatment. In the UK, people cannot be forced into treatment unless they’re eligible for sectioning or lack the mental capacity to make informed decisions.
If you believe your loved one doesn’t hold this capacity (e.g. due to advanced dementia), you may be able to ask their doctor to carry out a needs assessment. This allows their healthcare provider to determine whether they have an impairment or disturbance in the functioning of their mind and brain that prevents them from making particular decisions.
Once the assessment has been completed, your loved one’s doctor will determine whether they have sufficient mental capacity to make decisions regarding treatment. If they lack capacity, healthcare providers can act in their best interests.
However, if they do have capacity, their wishes should be respected as stated in the Mental Capacity Act 2005.
Next Steps: Remembering Their Decision is Final
As much as it hurts to hear, your loved one’s decision is almost always final. This means that, provided they have the mental capacity to make informed decisions, you have to accept their wishes. To do this, make sure you:
- Take care of yourself: Self-care can slip during periods of stress and worry, but looking after yourself can make you feel better and put you in a good mental headspace moving forward.
- Focus on what you can control: Instead of focusing on things you can’t control, focus on what you can—like supporting other family members, putting plans in place and researching care options.
- Prepare for crisis: Predict possible emergency situations and plan for what to do. A crisis plan could include: hospitals, crisis lines, treatment providers, child minders and supportive loved ones to contact.
- Continue researching: Don’t stop researching new treatment plans and options for your loved one in case something changes in the relevant medical field. This will encourage them to seek treatment or diagnosis.
- Consider professional help: Therapists and live-in carers can offer services to keep you and your loved one comfortable, confident and supported.
How Country Cousins Can Help
If your loved one is refusing diagnosis or treatment, you can help them by keeping them safe and comfortable. Country Cousins is a dedicated live-in care agency that matches your loved one with a fully trained, compassionate carer to assist in daily living activities and offer emotional support through companionship and understanding.
We offer a range of services depending on your loved one’s condition. From palliative care to disability care, our carers are experienced and ready to assist your loved one in any way they require. We also support loved ones and encourage healthy communication to strengthen bonds and relationships.
Talk to Our Team Today
As the UK’s longest-serving introductory live-in care agency, we have been providing compassionate live-in care to those who need it since 1959—all from the comfort of their own homes.
Give us a call today on 01293 224 706. Our experienced team is on hand to help from Monday to Friday, 8 am to 6 pm. Alternatively, contact us through our online enquiry form.
